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Third person discription of action Options · View
RobertHildenbrand
Posted: Saturday, June 22, 2013 4:38:09 AM
RobertHildenbrand
Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 2/11/2013
Posts: 14
My background as a computer graphic artist has me beig fairly detailed in discription. Case in point a scene I am writing where a character has just headed something frightful and she digs her knuckles into the banister the supports he weight. I discribe that her knuckles now matched the white her face had become.

Now I want to add more detail about how she reacts to the situation. The secondary reaction if you will.

The primary reaction is fear, memories jogged, her fight and flight starting as blood races from her skin. The secondary is what she does about it.

My problem is paragraph one started with her name, paragraph two likely should start with her name as well so to keep the third person narrative of her actions active speech.

The following is a version of the scene.

Magain tilted her head as she examined the cloud formation through the glass wall of the sky bridge. She supported her weight on the banister as she pressed her ear to the window to try and hear the sound that made the water droplets dance. She burried her finger nails into the banister and her knuckles turned the same pale white as her face now became.

Magain took a step back from the window....


I have magain sleaking lines of diolage in this second paragraph, but I am still starting two paragraphs with the starting words being the same. I have never read any book in which this is done, yet I seem to have written myself into an armatures corner.

Should I continue writing it all as one large paragraph, giving the reader a wall of text? (Bad idea, I know) or break it up and use a double paragraph discribing the same characters actions which are action and then reaction?
magnificent1rascal
Posted: Sunday, June 23, 2013 9:29:39 AM
magnificent1rascal
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Start the second paragraph this way:

Taking a step back from the window, Magain...

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Rumple_deWriter
Posted: Sunday, June 23, 2013 4:40:58 PM
Rumple_deWriter
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Welcome onboard the good ship, StoriesSpace, Robert. Maggie's suggestion is a good one, but there are many other possibilities, for instance: (

HEAD TILTED BACK,) Magin examined the cloud formation through the glass wall of the sky bridge. (WITH THE BANNISTER SUPPORTING HER WEIGHT) she pressed her ear to the window to try and hear the sound that made the water droplets dance. FINGERNAILS DUG INTO THE BANNISTER'S RAILING. THE WHITENESS OF HER KNUCKLES mirrored THE PALLOR OF HER FACE. She burried her finger nails into the banister and her knuckles turned the same pale white as her face now became.

Granted, none of those examples will ever win a Pulitzer, but maybe they can give you some ideas for varying the first word of sentences from names and pronouns.

IMHO, if the paragraphs all occur in the same scene with the same character, there's no obligation to begin them with the character's name.

Best of luck with your writing.

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burnt7
Posted: Friday, June 28, 2013 4:17:46 PM
burnt7
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Joined: 5/8/2013
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Location: Western Cape, South Africa
imho ?

Both are equally good suggestions.
When in first person or third person mode , can one include second person in a seperate paragraph.

Example: .... .... .... ?

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RobertHildenbrand
Posted: Sunday, July 7, 2013 5:27:36 AM
RobertHildenbrand
Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 2/11/2013
Posts: 14
Thanks for the answers you three gave me.
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