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fuzzy1954
Posted: Friday, January 11, 2019 7:12:41 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 9/29/2012
Posts: 1,968
Location: OZ [Prairie Village KS]



Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?”

The two guys reply, “Well, you know, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.”

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, “It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel that?”

Again, the guys reply, “Well, like we told you yesterday, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy to warm up a little bit, you know.”

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.”

The two Michiganders reply, “Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we’ve just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.”

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. “I don’t understand. When I turn the heat up, you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold, and you’re happy. What is wrong with you two?”

The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. “Well, don’t ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!”





Mendalla
Posted: Friday, January 11, 2019 8:36:30 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 4/23/2014
Posts: 588
Location: Somewhere amongst the trees
fuzzy1954 wrote:



Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?”

The two guys reply, “Well, you know, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.”

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, “It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel that?”

Again, the guys reply, “Well, like we told you yesterday, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy to warm up a little bit, you know.”

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.”

The two Michiganders reply, “Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we’ve just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.”

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. “I don’t understand. When I turn the heat up, you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold, and you’re happy. What is wrong with you two?”

The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. “Well, don’t ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!”



The Ontario version ends with the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup, but otherwise you'd just need to do a find and replace on the location.glasses8

I like to write something a little eerie or spooky for Hallowe'en every year. "Haunting" is what I went for this year.

Lady In The Lake
gypsy
Posted: Friday, January 11, 2019 11:43:36 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 10/13/2010
Posts: 1,649
In a small town - somewhere in the country side - there was a family with two boys, age 8 and 10. And whenever there was mischief, it's most likely these two boys were at the center of it. The parents were at a loss what to do about it. They tried everything!

One day a new pastor came to town. He was a rather young man who travelled the world and was supposed to be great with straightening out kids. It wasn't a church the parents went to, but they were desperate so they gave him a call anyway and begged him to help them with their two boys.

"Okay" he said: "But I won't see them at the same time. First send me the youngest one. I'll see him tomorrow at 10:00 am." So the parent agreed and sent the youngest one over first.

The younger boy went to the pastor, wondering what would happen this time. He was sent into an empty room with only one chair. So he sat down and waited. When finally the pastor came in, he walked over to the boy and stared at him for quite some time. Then he asked with a rather loud voice: "Where is God?"

The boy just sat there and didn't even blink. So the pastor asked again, while staring at the boy: "Where is God?" Again the boy didn't respond at all.

So the pastor came really close to the boy and asked up close for the third time: "Where is God?"
Just then the boy jumped up and ran out of the room before the pastor could say anything else. The boy ran down the block straight home. He ran straight up the stairs and fled to his room. The older boy saw his younger brother almost flying into his room and wondered what was going on. So he went up there and found his brother hiding under his bed.

He kneeled down to ask him what was going on.

"We're really in troubled this time, brother!" he answered: "God is gone and they think we did it ..."




The subject who is truly loyal to the Chief Magistrate will neither advise nor submit to arbitrary measures. Junius



rune
Posted: Saturday, January 12, 2019 4:18:29 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/3/2013
Posts: 303
Location: neverland




RuNe'S DooDLiNG iN THe SaNDS

Ballerina & Meg's Sonnet a collaboration with Survivor
The Feast Of All Saints a collaboration with Meredith
Burnt Toast a collaboration with Fuzzy1954
The Autumn a collaboration with ChrisM

My wandering crazy mind is just doodling in the sands ~ RuNe
gypsy
Posted: Sunday, January 13, 2019 1:32:10 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 10/13/2010
Posts: 1,649
Ghost Photography

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains.

"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.

Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.

Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.

He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence: ......

"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."




The subject who is truly loyal to the Chief Magistrate will neither advise nor submit to arbitrary measures. Junius



Circle_Something
Posted: Tuesday, January 15, 2019 1:14:18 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 8/11/2012
Posts: 1,965
Location: Glasgow-ish
Me: I'm having a great day, apart from Newpussycat.
Friend: What's Newpussycat?
Me: Whoaah Whoaah Whooaaah!


Ghosts, flamingos, guitars and vodka. Don't forget Kitty and Kitten. Eclectic subjects, eccentric stories:

Humorous guide & Recommended Read =^.^= How To Make a Cup of Tea
A flash fiction series :) A Random Moment in Time
A love poem <3 Kitty & Kitten
Editors' Pick! :D I Am The Deep, Dark Woods
And another EP!: The Fragility of Age
=^.^= <3 ^.^

Guest
Posted: Wednesday, February 6, 2019 9:22:34 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 7/1/2010
Posts: 25,639
Dreamcatcher
Posted: Monday, February 25, 2019 9:51:26 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 3/15/2011
Posts: 3,084
Location: Only my friends know...
A man checked into a motel. There was a computer in the room, so he decided to send his wife an email. He accidentally typed the wrong address and without realizing it, sent it to a widow who has just returned from her husband’s funeral.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

Her son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He read her message on the screen:

To my loving wife:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here and we are allowed to send emails. I’ve just been checked in. How are you and the kids? This place is really nice but I am lonely here. I have made the necessary arrangements for your arrival tomorrow. Expecting you darling. I can’t wait to see you.


gypsy
Posted: Wednesday, February 27, 2019 6:02:33 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 10/13/2010
Posts: 1,649
A police officer is sitting at a stop light as a car passes by containing a man driving the car and a penguin in the front passenger side of the car. The officer turns on his lights & siren and promptly pulls the man over.

"Mister, what are you doing with this penguin?" asks the officer.
"I was just taking him for a little ride, sir," responds the man.
"Well, this is just not acceptable. I want you to take this penguin to the zoo right this instant!" scolds the officer.
"Well, ok, if you insist," responds the man sadly, and drives off.

The next day, the same officer is sitting at the same stop light. Once again he spots the same man driving down the street with the penguin perched neatly in the front seat. He wastes no time in turning on his lights & siren, and chasing the man down.

He is quite angry as he approaches the car, and says to the man "I thought I made myself very clear yesterday that you were supposed to take this penguin TO THE ZOO!"
"Oh, officer, I did exactly as you told me to, and you know what?" said the man with a smile on his face "He liked it so much, we are going again today!"


wave



The subject who is truly loyal to the Chief Magistrate will neither advise nor submit to arbitrary measures. Junius



Dreamcatcher
Posted: Wednesday, February 27, 2019 11:25:20 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 3/15/2011
Posts: 3,084
Location: Only my friends know...
Why do elephants have flat feet?

Because they jump out of trees in the jungle between 2:00 and 3:00pm...

Why are alligators flat?

Because they walk through the jungle between 2:00 and 3:00pm...

gypsy
Posted: Wednesday, February 27, 2019 11:41:07 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 10/13/2010
Posts: 1,649
A proper burial.....

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."




The subject who is truly loyal to the Chief Magistrate will neither advise nor submit to arbitrary measures. Junius



rune
Posted: Wednesday, February 27, 2019 11:56:20 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/3/2013
Posts: 303
Location: neverland




RuNe'S DooDLiNG iN THe SaNDS

Ballerina & Meg's Sonnet a collaboration with Survivor
The Feast Of All Saints a collaboration with Meredith
Burnt Toast a collaboration with Fuzzy1954
The Autumn a collaboration with ChrisM

My wandering crazy mind is just doodling in the sands ~ RuNe
fuzzy1954
Posted: Wednesday, February 27, 2019 4:08:36 PM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 9/29/2012
Posts: 1,968
Location: OZ [Prairie Village KS]



Dreamcatcher
Posted: Thursday, February 28, 2019 12:40:13 PM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 3/15/2011
Posts: 3,084
Location: Only my friends know...
A man has to give a lecture about sex to a local women's club, but he didn't want his wife to know so he told her he was lecturing on flying.

Two days later, one of the women ran into the wife on the street and told her what a wonderful lecture her husband gave.

The wife said, "Well, frankly I'm surprised. He's only done it twice. The first time he got airsick and the second time he lost his hat."

fuzzy1954
Posted: Thursday, February 28, 2019 2:37:32 PM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 9/29/2012
Posts: 1,968
Location: OZ [Prairie Village KS]



AnnaMayZing
Posted: Thursday, February 28, 2019 3:21:18 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/1/2015
Posts: 5,577
A man in a bar overhears the landlord bragging about his vicious dog.
"My Rottweiller will fight anyone's dog and tear it apart!" he boasted.
"Not mine," said the man, quietly.
The landlord immediately turned on him.
"Oh yeah?" he sneered. "And what kind of dog would yours be?"
"A long nosed, long tailed, short legged Terrier," the man replied.
So, a bet of £1000 was agreed and the following night, the two unfortunate creatures were put in a dark room and left to fight to the death.
When all went silent, the Landlord went to retrieve hs dog but he returned with the Rottweiller's bloody carcass and laid it gently on the floor in front of the bar.
"I don't believe it," he said sadly and began to count out the £1000. "What did you say your dog was?"
"A long nosed, long tailed, short legged Terrier," the man replied, taking the wad of cash from the Landlord.
"I've never heard of those," said he.
"No, well," the man replied. "Some people call them Crocodiles!"

The third part of this epic journey starts here... https://www.storiesspace.com/stories/drama/the-long-road-home-chapter-1.aspx


"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana
gypsy
Posted: Sunday, March 3, 2019 5:19:26 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 10/13/2010
Posts: 1,649


A duck goes into the pharmacy and waddles up to the counter.

DUCK: "Have you got anything for a sore beak?"

SHOP ASSISTANT: "Try this ointment. That'll be 2.99 please."

DUCK: "Would you put that on my bill ."




The subject who is truly loyal to the Chief Magistrate will neither advise nor submit to arbitrary measures. Junius



fuzzy1954
Posted: Sunday, March 3, 2019 5:24:42 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 9/29/2012
Posts: 1,968
Location: OZ [Prairie Village KS]




awoke to this on Sunday happy8


Dreamcatcher
Posted: Sunday, March 3, 2019 11:19:38 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 3/15/2011
Posts: 3,084
Location: Only my friends know...


gypsy
Posted: Monday, March 4, 2019 4:19:54 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 10/13/2010
Posts: 1,649
Transcript of a radio conversation between a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95. Radio released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

CANADIANS - Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

AMERICANS - Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS - Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

AMERICANS - This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS - Negative. I say again. You will HAVE to divert your course.

AMERICANS - THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, SAY AGAIN, THATS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS - We are a lighthouse. Your call.




The subject who is truly loyal to the Chief Magistrate will neither advise nor submit to arbitrary measures. Junius



fuzzy1954
Posted: Monday, March 4, 2019 2:01:48 PM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 9/29/2012
Posts: 1,968
Location: OZ [Prairie Village KS]
o




as she sings Red Solo Cup


hayley
Posted: Monday, May 20, 2019 10:56:17 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/19/2014
Posts: 715
Location: NYC
How many lawyer jokes are there???? .... Only three.... the rest are all true stories :D
Rumple_deWriter
Posted: Friday, May 31, 2019 4:38:24 PM

Rank: Story Moderator
Moderator

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 569
Location: lost in the ozone west of Apache Junction
(Haley, loved your lawyer joke)

PRAISE THE LORD

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said,
"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the
doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must
have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed
a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a
quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed
with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said,
"I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."


Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwords.[/ - ROBERT HEINLEIN

Schemers Scheme -- young women talking about young men

OF WAR, AND PEACE, AND MARY BETH: my contest winner, honest

For Whom the Good Tolls an 'RR' and it's short, no kidding

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