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Rumple_deWriter
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2018 10:36:52 AM

Rank: Story Moderator
Moderator

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 439
Location: lost in the ozone west of Apache Junction
The Old-Timer's Lament laughing2

Now that I've reached the point in my life where I pretty much know my way around, there ain't a helluva lot of places left for me to go..... During the
course of my travels, somewhere along the way I was able to participate in a miracle--somehow I managed to get over the hill without ever reaching the top.

glasses8


Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwords.[/ - ROBERT HEINLEIN

OF WAR, AND PEACE, AND MARY BETH: my contest winner, honest

For Whom the Good Tolls an 'RR' and it's short, no kidding

Dancing to Ray Charles: Ch 01-20, Two Dancers love, friendship, betrayal, integrity, compromise racism, church fire bombings, the Ku Klux Klan, the Vietnam war, class differences, changing values, redneck honky-tonks plus other fun stuff
AnnaMayZing
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2018 12:44:20 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/1/2015
Posts: 4,231
Location: United Kingdom
laughing3

"Oh my word, I'm late!" she cried, jumped out of bed and went home. Whistle

The third part of this epic journey starts here... https://www.storiesspace.com/stories/drama/the-long-road-home-chapter-1.aspx


"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana
Rumple_deWriter
Posted: Monday, April 23, 2018 10:00:32 PM

Rank: Story Moderator
Moderator

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 439
Location: lost in the ozone west of Apache Junction
My first-born's first joke -- honest

Why do elephants paint their toenails all different colors?

To hide in a bowl of M&M's.

Ever see one in a bowl of M&M's?

Works great, doesn't it?

glasses8

Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwords.[/ - ROBERT HEINLEIN

OF WAR, AND PEACE, AND MARY BETH: my contest winner, honest

For Whom the Good Tolls an 'RR' and it's short, no kidding

Dancing to Ray Charles: Ch 01-20, Two Dancers love, friendship, betrayal, integrity, compromise racism, church fire bombings, the Ku Klux Klan, the Vietnam war, class differences, changing values, redneck honky-tonks plus other fun stuff
DenimAngel
Posted: Thursday, April 26, 2018 9:55:23 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/28/2016
Posts: 656
Location: On a tailgate under the stars
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire ?
The vampire stops sucking when all the blood is gone


Rumple_deWriter
Posted: Thursday, April 26, 2018 10:27:55 PM

Rank: Story Moderator
Moderator

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 439
Location: lost in the ozone west of Apache Junction
Lawyer jokes have emerged among us! ;)

And now, back to 'Elephant' jokes.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: It was the chicken's day off.

glasses8


Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwords.[/ - ROBERT HEINLEIN

OF WAR, AND PEACE, AND MARY BETH: my contest winner, honest

For Whom the Good Tolls an 'RR' and it's short, no kidding

Dancing to Ray Charles: Ch 01-20, Two Dancers love, friendship, betrayal, integrity, compromise racism, church fire bombings, the Ku Klux Klan, the Vietnam war, class differences, changing values, redneck honky-tonks plus other fun stuff
elizabethblack
Posted: Sunday, April 29, 2018 9:45:43 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/12/2014
Posts: 1,085
Location: Virginia, United States
"What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

BREATHE!!"



elizabethblack
Posted: Sunday, April 29, 2018 9:47:33 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/12/2014
Posts: 1,085
Location: Virginia, United States
"What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? "



Bison.

elizabethblack
Posted: Sunday, April 29, 2018 9:49:52 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/12/2014
Posts: 1,085
Location: Virginia, United States
"There once was an explosion at a cheese factory in France......"


De-brie everywhere

DenimAngel
Posted: Sunday, April 29, 2018 12:01:47 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/28/2016
Posts: 656
Location: On a tailgate under the stars
What's the difference between a shark and lawyer ..
The shark doesn't eat it's own kind


elizabethblack
Posted: Sunday, April 29, 2018 7:43:17 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/12/2014
Posts: 1,085
Location: Virginia, United States
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."



elizabethblack
Posted: Sunday, April 29, 2018 7:43:31 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/12/2014
Posts: 1,085
Location: Virginia, United States


Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?

My name is Paul.


elizabethblack
Posted: Sunday, April 29, 2018 7:45:11 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/12/2014
Posts: 1,085
Location: Virginia, United States
Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick: "What school?"


CKAcres
Posted: Monday, April 30, 2018 6:18:22 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/12/2011
Posts: 4,706
Location: Canada
What did the cowboy say at his second rodeo?





This ain't my first rodeo.



Have a wonderful day all. hello2


"No one knows when the final grain of sand will plummet through their own personal Hourglass." ~ CKAcres
"If you really want to make a difference, don't over think it, just do it..."
"Scars of life are deeply etched within the minds of curious old souls."
Rumple_deWriter
Posted: Friday, May 11, 2018 7:42:21 AM

Rank: Story Moderator
Moderator

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 439
Location: lost in the ozone west of Apache Junction

Confused about paying an invoice, a successful young businessman decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “You just graduated from college and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

glasses8


Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwords.[/ - ROBERT HEINLEIN

OF WAR, AND PEACE, AND MARY BETH: my contest winner, honest

For Whom the Good Tolls an 'RR' and it's short, no kidding

Dancing to Ray Charles: Ch 01-20, Two Dancers love, friendship, betrayal, integrity, compromise racism, church fire bombings, the Ku Klux Klan, the Vietnam war, class differences, changing values, redneck honky-tonks plus other fun stuff
Survivor
Posted: Monday, May 21, 2018 12:12:43 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 12/21/2012
Posts: 3,122
Location: bajo un árbol de álamo
Jokes are something I never remember. But this is a funny cartoon strip.







AnnaMayZing
Posted: Monday, May 21, 2018 3:05:12 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/1/2015
Posts: 4,231
Location: United Kingdom
Tramp knocks at the door of a posh house and asked if there are any odd jobs to be done.
"Sure," says the owner. "You can put a coat of paint on the porch."

An hour later the tramp knocks and says;

"I done that fer yer, Mister but I am surprised that yer taught yer Ferrari were a Porsche!"

The third part of this epic journey starts here... https://www.storiesspace.com/stories/drama/the-long-road-home-chapter-1.aspx


"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana
hayley
Posted: Saturday, June 30, 2018 12:46:07 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/19/2014
Posts: 645
Location: NYC
here is an awesome joke for all you mind readers out there
elizabethblack
Posted: Wednesday, October 3, 2018 5:24:40 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/12/2014
Posts: 1,085
Location: Virginia, United States
A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field.

elizabethblack
Posted: Wednesday, October 3, 2018 5:26:07 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/12/2014
Posts: 1,085
Location: Virginia, United States


AnnaMayZing
Posted: Monday, October 8, 2018 1:32:36 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/1/2015
Posts: 4,231
Location: United Kingdom
Whilst visiting the Olympic Park in Munich, I saw a man approaching who was wearing sports gear and carrying a long pole on his shoulder.
I said, as he passed,
"Excuse me, are you a Pole Vaulter?"
He stopped and stared at me before replying,
"Nein, I am German and how did you know my name is Walter?"

The third part of this epic journey starts here... https://www.storiesspace.com/stories/drama/the-long-road-home-chapter-1.aspx


"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana
hayley
Posted: Friday, October 26, 2018 3:48:41 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/19/2014
Posts: 645
Location: NYC
hayley
Posted: Saturday, October 27, 2018 12:21:58 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/19/2014
Posts: 645
Location: NYC
gypsy
Posted: Wednesday, January 9, 2019 6:21:24 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 10/13/2010
Posts: 1,586
Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary…

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM – Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM – Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage..

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now….




The subject who is truly loyal to the Chief Magistrate will neither advise nor submit to arbitrary measures. Junius



fuzzy1954
Posted: Wednesday, January 9, 2019 8:19:18 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 9/29/2012
Posts: 1,929
Location: OZ [Prairie Village KS]



Dreamcatcher
Posted: Wednesday, January 9, 2019 12:54:12 PM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 3/15/2011
Posts: 3,026
Location: Only my friends know...





elizabethblack
Posted: Wednesday, January 9, 2019 1:02:13 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/12/2014
Posts: 1,085
Location: Virginia, United States
Gosh! I am loving these jokes! Here is one..



gypsy
Posted: Thursday, January 10, 2019 6:56:38 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 10/13/2010
Posts: 1,586
Talking dogs...

A guy is driving around Kentucky, and he sees a sign in front of a house:

Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired"

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."




The subject who is truly loyal to the Chief Magistrate will neither advise nor submit to arbitrary measures. Junius



Mendalla
Posted: Thursday, January 10, 2019 7:55:10 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 4/23/2014
Posts: 437
Location: Somewhere amongst the trees
A minister and a friend are out golfing.

On one hole, the friend's ball lands just shy of the green.

"God damn it, I missed," he curses angrily.

"My friend, be gentle with your language. The Lord would not approve," chides the minister.

On the very next hole, the friend blows his putt.

"God damn it, I missed," he curses again.

"Take not the Lord's name in vane, my friend," the minister says, more sternly this time.

They go on to the next hole and, again, the friend's ball lands in a sand trap just off the green.

"God damn it to Hell, I missed again," the man roars.

"Look, if you continue to blaspheme the Lord, He will surely strike you dead with lightning," the minister lectures.

Low and behold, on the very next hole, the friend's drive falls just short of a hole in one, letting the minister win the day.

"God damn it to Hell," he shrieks, throwing his club down range.

Suddenly, the sky turns dark. There's a bright flash of light and a crack of thunder. The minister is instantly vaporised, leaving his cursing friend standing in shock.

"God damn it to Hell, I missed," says a thunderous voice from the heavens.


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fuzzy1954
Posted: Thursday, January 10, 2019 9:15:13 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 9/29/2012
Posts: 1,929
Location: OZ [Prairie Village KS]



gypsy
Posted: Friday, January 11, 2019 6:55:27 AM

Rank: Forum Facilitator

Joined: 10/13/2010
Posts: 1,586
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"




The subject who is truly loyal to the Chief Magistrate will neither advise nor submit to arbitrary measures. Junius



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